Conversations with The Boogeyman
Part Six
‘Are you going to tell me who that really was?’
‘I told you, it was an unknown number. I never answer if I don’t know who it is.’
‘I would prefer it if you didn’t lie to me, Jane. I saw your face when you looked at the phone.’
‘What are you trying to say?’
‘Nothing. I would just rather not be played for a fool.’
He was right. Jane was fully aware of the fact that he deserved her honesty and she could not escape the guilt she felt knowing that she had been deceiving him for some time. The phonecalls from Daniel had become quite frequent. While she could easily convince herself that what she was doing did not constitute cheating, she knew she might struggle to persuade him of the same thing. Sure, it may not be a physical betrayal of his trust. But what she was doing was so much worse. She was in love with Daniel. Yet she was no fool and realised it would never lead to anything. That wasn’t the point.
There was no point. Several times a week the screen of her phone would be illuminated by the image of her former lover’s face. Jane would always answer. She was palpably unable to stop herself from doing so. What she got out of the conversations she could not put into words. It was the pure, astounding lure of temptation and nothing more. She answered because she shouldn’t. She talked to him because he was forbidden. She wanted him because he was unattainable. She loved him because he loved her but had chosen to walk away from her all the same. At the core of it, Jane was just like every other human being – her own worst enemy.
Yet she was not heartless and did feel responsible for the position in which she was placing the man who walked beside her, holding her hand, gazing at her with genuine care and desire. She had put up such a fight against his advances, fearful of being the one who would be hurt in the inevitable fallout. But somewhere along the way the power had shifted and she was no longer the one in the relationship with fear in their peripheral vision.
‘It was just someone from my past,’ Jane finally responded, attempting to brush aside the situation with a sweeping gesture of her free hand.
‘Well if they are calling you now then your past is very much present. Should I be concerned?’
‘You’re being very dramatic.’
‘I don’t believe I am.’
‘What do you want from me?’
‘I want to know that you’re in this for real. I am falling for you. I want us both to be in this completely.’
‘I thought we already were?’
‘You’re not here Jane. Not in this moment. Not in any moment.’
‘We were having fun. Why on earth would you want to ruin it by labelling us and putting so much pressure on this?’
‘Because it’s not enough.’
‘It is for me.’
‘Then we have a problem, Jane.’
It’s not that she was choosing a voice on the phone from more than 3,000km away over the man standing in front of her. Eventually she would grow bored of the discourse with the ghosts of her past and cut them loose too. But until then Daniel’s voice still sent chills down her spine, the temptation remained deliciously intoxicating.
As each day since Airlie Beach passed, Jane came to know herself a wee bit better. The closer she got to the true picture, the more she realised that what she wanted may not be what everyone else longed for. It was time to start playing by her own rules.
Jane took a step away from him, allowing his hand to slip from her grasp. She looked at his face and saw the regret in his eyes. He was disappointed. Had she allowed this to go on any longer, he may have even been heartbroken. Behind the disappointment was a flash of shock. For the first time ever he was not the one doing the abandoning. He was the abandoned.